Thursday, January 24, 2008

When I need hope.. here you are...

The last couple of weeks have been a real struggle for me. I know that when things dont seem to go right I get down and feeling sorry for myself and lately for my Savana and Trevor and their little family. I have a hard time excepting God's plan when it doesnt make sense to me sometimes. Like why would a man with so much love and future be going through this horrid nightmare. Why would his two little children have to face each day with the worry of not having their daddy with them for their lifetime.. And why does my daughter have to face a fear of being without her husband after only just finding the happiness she so well deserves. So.. the last few months I have struggled up and down with a very real anger towards God for doing this to this litte family.
I know that we are blessed, it is abundant all around us. So many people have supported Trevor and Savana, and so much love has come through all of this. My heart knows that but, I must admit that sometimes I still resent the fact that God is allowing this to happen.. I know this is my own struggle, and that there are many of you that have given words of wisdom and love to help get through these days. I so appreciate all of you and all your efforts to help our family and most importantly the compassion and love that you give to people you don't even know. The blessings just from that are so wonderful and such an uplift to me.
Once again this week I have struggled, why are they going through this, why do them have to take Trevor off of the transplant list and what right does a doctor have to say to him he is not following guidelines when he is not able to control the blood pressure.. (the reason they gave for taking him off the list this week) when the hospital crew has not been able to control it themselves even using iv medication.. One dr. disagrees with another dr, one dr. contradicts another dr. All the dr's blame a different dr for the problem but the only thing that happened because of the disagreement was a loss of hope from Trevor that he will ever survive this horrid disease.
And then, I finally get my nerve up and ask God again why and cant you please give some comfort.. And then, something like the last couple of days once again humbles this stubborn soul I have. People are sharing this story all over the world, support is coming out of nowhere, friendships are being given me from people I would never have met and support and compassion once again is everywhere.
This post might not make much sense.. But, for me, I needed to write my feelings, to help me to recognize God's work.
Thank you all of you that have rekindled this effort to help Trevor again. What angels you are.. I have said since the beginning of this adventure, I am surrounded by angels.. God is definately trying to show me that each and every time my soul tries to give up...

9 comments:

Julie said...

Oh T, my heart goes out to you and Trevor and Savana! I think it is just human nature to question why things are happening like they are. And you may never know, but through the power of prayer and faith I am hopeful that things will turn around and Trevor will get that chance!! ((hug))

Joy said...

Where do you live? What hospital is he going to? We just went through this same thing.

evitangel said...

tracy, I am so with you and yours!

It's Just me...Crazy "T" said...

Joy, I emailed you.. thank you everyone...
lol
T

Dawn said...

I just have no words. Your post moved me so much. Hang in there. If you ever need to talk...I am here.

Fantacy so Sweet-n-Stuff... said...

hey girl...just read this and realize that you and your family are angels to everyone who is praying for them...just knowing what you have all persevered through is an inspiration and even when you struggle with God's timing/will/decisions He knows your heart and just like a parent He wants to scoop you up in His arms and hold you even if you are kicking and screaming out of pain and frustration....He loves ya girl, and so do all of us...I feel really blessed to have found TTS and all the ladies (and gentleman) there (including you ;) ) huggers...

Jacinda said...

It's so hard to see our loved ones suffering, and not be able to fix them. And the answers to our prayers may not be what we envisioned, but the Lord knows what He's doing. I pray for you all, that you may remain steadfast in your faith, and that you are able to accept God's will for each of you. My heart is with you always,

Jacinda xoxoxo

Linda Walton aka bobbysgirlforever said...

Sweet Crazy "T" - it has taken me the majority of my life to open my eyes and see that ALL I've experienced in my life, GOOD and BAD, has had a purpose (still does!) and has brought me to HERE and NOW!

YOU, darling girl, are a LIGHT and an ANGEL as are Trevor and Savana and in your humanness and quest for answers you are bearing your soul, speaking from your heart (the center of our being), being truthful with yourself and others AND you are touching the lives of SO many others around the world while trying to make sense of what is happening in yours.

I will not say that I was not frustrated when reading your post about Trevor possibly being removed from the transplant list and now reading that he has been. I want to shout out "INJUSTICE" - this is NOT fair! The doctors cannot even agree on things for goodness sake.

I DO believe in miracles! I DO believe in exercising my voice at injustice as I am often reminded that the "squeaky wheel gets the oil".

There has just got to be someone there who feels every bit of what you are feeling and will do what it takes to get Trevor's name back on that list.

I am thinking POSITIVELY and will continue to hope and to pray that Trevor receives the transplant that he is in need of despite hospital politics.

There is NOT a day or a moment that you and your family are not in the uppermost part of my thoughts Tracy darlin' as well as those of many others.

YOU, Crazy "T", Trevor and Ms. Savana are an INSPIRATION to ALL of us!

Sending LOTS of LOVE and HUGS and a "blanket of comfort" during these difficult times.

Linda

P.S. Thank you for keeping us posted and PLEASE know that I am here for you ANYTIME and in ANY way needed. I am hoping that Joy has some words of wisdom to share with you in light of the fact that she has just been through the same thing. God's will be done.

Linda Walton aka bobbysgirlforever said...

Just stopping in to say "hi, I'm thinking of you" and to give y'all some LOVIN' and a great BIG huggin'!

XOXO,
Linda