The last couple of weeks have been a real struggle for me. I know that when things dont seem to go right I get down and feeling sorry for myself and lately for my Savana and Trevor and their little family. I have a hard time excepting God's plan when it doesnt make sense to me sometimes. Like why would a man with so much love and future be going through this horrid nightmare. Why would his two little children have to face each day with the worry of not having their daddy with them for their lifetime.. And why does my daughter have to face a fear of being without her husband after only just finding the happiness she so well deserves. So.. the last few months I have struggled up and down with a very real anger towards God for doing this to this litte family.
I know that we are blessed, it is abundant all around us. So many people have supported Trevor and Savana, and so much love has come through all of this. My heart knows that but, I must admit that sometimes I still resent the fact that God is allowing this to happen.. I know this is my own struggle, and that there are many of you that have given words of wisdom and love to help get through these days. I so appreciate all of you and all your efforts to help our family and most importantly the compassion and love that you give to people you don't even know. The blessings just from that are so wonderful and such an uplift to me.
Once again this week I have struggled, why are they going through this, why do them have to take Trevor off of the transplant list and what right does a doctor have to say to him he is not following guidelines when he is not able to control the blood pressure.. (the reason they gave for taking him off the list this week) when the hospital crew has not been able to control it themselves even using iv medication.. One dr. disagrees with another dr, one dr. contradicts another dr. All the dr's blame a different dr for the problem but the only thing that happened because of the disagreement was a loss of hope from Trevor that he will ever survive this horrid disease.
And then, I finally get my nerve up and ask God again why and cant you please give some comfort.. And then, something like the last couple of days once again humbles this stubborn soul I have. People are sharing this story all over the world, support is coming out of nowhere, friendships are being given me from people I would never have met and support and compassion once again is everywhere.
This post might not make much sense.. But, for me, I needed to write my feelings, to help me to recognize God's work.
Thank you all of you that have rekindled this effort to help Trevor again. What angels you are.. I have said since the beginning of this adventure, I am surrounded by angels.. God is definately trying to show me that each and every time my soul tries to give up...